All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
