I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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