So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
