All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
