i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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