Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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