I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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