i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
