i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
