You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
