mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
