we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
