just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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