I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
