My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
