I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
