Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
