.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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