is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
