Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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