Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
barbara walters just said penis...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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