How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
