It's Friday. Sex?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
