She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
