it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
