I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
