my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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