Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
