I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
