If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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