When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
