After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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