i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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