On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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