dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
