allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
