he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
