he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
