maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
