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I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
