i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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