I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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