I got chris browned last night
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
