Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
