I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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