she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
