After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
