not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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