you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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