Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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